Gone Baby Gone

Crackers, cheers & celebrations are all around the Campus! Messengers of tomorrow are imbued in aura of hopes and fog of new year. I, for one, am busy with 'unrolling loops', 'fixing dangling CDFG dependencies' & deleting unwanted 'Find Life Partner' mails at Gmail.

Never've I been very enthusiastic about ceremonial celebrations - be it New Year, Christmas or other such occasion. Zero hour of a new decade & a new year, though, provides an opportunity to reflect upon things & events that have been & that could've been. Year 2010 has been great in almost every perceptible sense. Company of curious, knowledgeable and most of them hard-working minds; interesting & intriguing books, heart breaking, path breaking & entertaining movies & unrestricted sleeping hours - what else could one ask for.

On a larger scale, this has been an year of scams, soprts achievements, social networking, WikiLeaks, Radia Tapes, and experimental failures & learnings. On personal level, M Tech has provided much needed break from monotony of day to day life & corporate hullabaloo that kept me & my soul imprisoned for long; and I've made every single moment count. New vistas of education, society, history have come closer & clearer. Final semester would be more taxing for increased focus on MTP thesis & endeavor to regain the rhythm that was bit awry last few months. Corporate culture too is beckoning on the horizon for a happy reunion.

Its time for new resolutions, but I intend to keep myself free from any promises made in spur of moment. I do have a wish-list for the new year & the new era though. More fun, more studies and a new and committed life. Good Bye 2010, thanks for leaving so many memories and moments behind!!! I'll cherish these souvenirs for long. Welcome 2011, you've got so many promises to keep & big boots to fill in. Thanks for being on time. Lets start a new journey & a new companionship.

Yellow Yellow Dirty Fellow

Never have I played around with my loyalties so frequently before. At least I don't seem to remember any. And for what, for a game I'm not really fan of. Don't even know what were the top ranking teams, in order, contending for the championship. Don't know the top soccer clubs and their key strikers, mid-fielders or defenders. Don't understand how really 'off-side' comes in to play. Still, I happened to watch too many of matches for my standards from FIFA'10, and so the story.

For some reasons, that are entirely unknown to me, most often than not - I happen to side with the 'underdogs'. So, no real exceptions in FIFA'10. Had many occasions to celebrate while my 'technological friends' snubbed Brazilian and Argentinian exit. Coming into the finals and everyone - literally - was rooting for Spain. Before the contest, one friend asked me to msg the final score - for she was going to bed and Spain was an undoubted winner for her. For a change, even I was siding with the favorites - the Spanish.

Having set the alarm for 23:50 Hrs, I was pretty sure of not missing even a single moment of live action. Still, impeccably (un)timed urge for coffee and even worse timed - my 'technological' friend's urge for cold-drink snatched first 10-12 minutes of extravaganza. Deciding against humid and overcrowded Shivalik's TV room, we finally settled into humid and overcrowded Satpura's TV room. I contributed my bit to omnipresent commotion among other enthusiasts - most of whom were ardently cheering for the blue jersey (disclaimer- I'm not really good at identifying the colors). Even the commentator was expecting or should I say - predicting, a dominating show by the Spanish. To everyone's [pleasant] surprise, men in orange were looking much dangerous than what was expected. Dutch defense was so solid that the best attack in world soccer, as my soccer expert friend updated me, was looking helpless. Be it half time or the stipulated full time, you could hardly choose the winner. Had this not been some non-sporting defense from Spanish; had Robben been able to hold onto the ball for one more moment; had referee awarded the free-kick, deservedly, at that moment and place; had the corner been signaled, correctly, just before the now-called-'golden-goal' ; entire world would have been painted in orange by now.

But destiny had other ideas and so did the referee. I don't have much of soccer watching experience. Nevertheless, 12 yellow cards (or may be 11) - 8 of them against the orange color, almost 40 free kicks, so many events getting un-noticed and so many perceived incorrectly, and you must be thinking - did we really had the better team as champion. For me, I opted to cheer for Spain before the game and was undecided for almost full time. At the end of the game, whatever may be the result, for me Dutch were the winners; they were written off by media much before the game, 'Paul Baba' had already cursed them, and they came out with such a splendid performance. Lets face the truth, how is a team supposed to play its natural game when 7 of its playing 11 are fearing an exit any moment. Rather we should count 7 out of 10 as referee could not have taken out his frustration or biasing against the keeper. Match of such an importance and intensity, everyone playing for glory of himself and his nation, where moments create and decimate heroes; and then you put virtually entire team on 'yellow' belt. Then as the worst fears came alive, Hettinga gets second yellow card in 109th minute. What a time! what a decision!! A 10 men underdog team with 6 other players on yellow card, up against the world cup favorites in the dying moments of a history defining final. No unit, not even Brazil or Argentina would have done anything under such pathetic conditions. Referee Wobb still had his role to play and yes the bad dream was not over yet. 114th minute of game, 5 more minutes to go and this time a corner is denied. How long could the orange have resisted. 116th minute and the game was over. As a matter of fact, it was over much before that. When 7 players got yellow cards one after the yellow, and when Netherlands was left with only 10 players.

To be fair to the Spanish, they are a wonderful team, may be the best, they are the European champions and were deservedly the cup favorites. They are the cup holders now. But may painful questions have popped out, taking the shine off their victory. What is painful is the way events have transpired at soccer city stadium. Why the most popular and wealthiest game so much dependent on a single person's whims. When billions of dollars are spent on promoting and hosting the event, organizing laser shows and fancy videos; why the authorities are hell bent against a little help from latest technology. No! technology won't take away the energy and enthusiasm out of soccer. On the contrary, referee spends too much time arguing with the players at such crucial moments which would be saved, and even more precious thing that will be saved will be glory of game.

I had always heard that world was either Black or White. Then I realized their are shades of Grey which life throw on to you; but today I encountered a new shade - a new color - Yellow, Dirty Yellow!!

Love-story thi?........ Sad! Very Sad!!

Why this has to be night always, why always the darkness?

May be the darkness helps me see clear, helps me see how I've lost sense of real world. May be to make me realize that dreams are meant for unlit, un-spoken land of sleep, utterly disjoint from shiny, noisy real world. How long shall I keep pretending, how long shall I fool myself. How long I'll fight to be human among this horde of 'social animals'. I can't sacrifice each relationship on this altar of imaginative Gods. How many do I have to do so anyways. How long before I'll have lost every single of them and then what? Myself maybe?

I know, and know it well. There is definitely something wrong with me. I can't take off my colored glasses, can't hold escaping the realism. Fantasies exist in Hogwart's school of magic, not in an Institution of technology; dreams come alive on realm of Narnia, not on the globe I live. Those are meant to be broken eventually. So did Maradona's. I was celebrating while this brave, legendary human being was trying to console others. He fought though, he fought and he lost. Lost to a worthy winner. Who am I fighting - those who care for me. Yes! How dare they? How dare somebody love me? Just remember - a cursed creature can be pitied but not loved.

I'm sure of one thing now, I just love my miseries, self-inflicted wounds. I simply can't do without my regular dose of 'self-killing' drug. See, I'm not worried though, rather I'm proud, proud of this insanity. This is my hallmark, separates me from rest of the herd.

What a time to celebrate the pain it is - Monsoon Gods are laughing at plight of this atheistic soul. May be they are not laughing, they are crying, slashing the mother nature with their tears, for - even they don't know how to decide it's fate.

And what a way to celebrate it. Playing with eternal emotions, finding solace in another unreal world. Another celluloid story! Living in the story and then writing one of my own!

Question is - how do I end this one or more appropriately how will it end itself?

May be like the synthetic one I just lived :

"Love story thi? [some love story it was?]"

"yes"

"Sad! Very sad!!"

Or may be not; I may not be a story teller, but at least I've found a way to say what I never could. This can't be sad. Being sensitive is not a curse. It makes me feel the pain, but it also makes me live the bliss. Bliss not everyone can boast off, most even don't know if it exists. No, This is not a sad story. This is a story of tears, tears of joy these are!

Lights! Camera!! [aur] .................... Blackout!!!

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are real. Any resemblance to places, persons - living or dead, is purely intentional.

Scene 2 [reality cinema - no takes]: Being in no mood to think creatively; it had to be some brilliant art-work to draw a recluse me even to comment, leave out writing a blog (that demands some sort of passion). It was meant to be just routine "see it, forget it" exercise. Few initial frames, and it's clear - there is more to it than what look on the surface - could be better than ordinary, may be much worse, but definitely not 'run of the mill' Bollywood piece. It took no serious effort on my part to direct my 'not present' heart & mind (lungs, liver or whatever it takes), since I couldn't figure out when I got so deeply immersed into it. Frame after frame it left me jolted; by the time it finished ( or did it, actually?), I feel like one of the characters (off screen, of-course): shredded! Literally awed!! Completely dumb-struck!!! [ may be I don't have correct phrase to put here]. Sleep angels [devils] are no where on the anvil. It is 4:30 in AM.

Scene 1 [plot build-up]: For days now, I've lost my self [again!]; doing nothing; but no time, or mental state, for synthesis optimization or FPGA design, not even for my personal favorite science history, mathematics or popular fiction. FIFA,10 is of no help either, I'm no soccer fan(atic) anyways. Speaking to friends or family can do no good either, don't know what to talk about, rather there is good probability that I'll upset them as well. Just surfing aimlessly through sea of Internet in search of a deserted island where I could bury my head in beach sand and forget everything else. [Don't feel intimidated please. For, those who know me, already know, there is nothing new into it; I constantly and frequently set myself to this 'self-destruction mode' and have survived so-far. Hope the trend continues]. In a desperate attempt, I turn to my favorite collection of Hollywood classics. These are engagingas always but for some reasons, completely unknown to me, the gloom, 'withdrawn mental state' proves to be too much overpowering. As a last resort, I check out for Bollywood 'masala' world. Start with a much hyped, power struck flick and contrary to my expectations [or may be exactly as per my expectations] it was mostly a waste of time, such a waste of money! I've tried everything, no where else to go now, gloomy gets gloomier!

Usually everything (well, almost!) I watch follows a serious and sincere recommendation from a select group of friends who definitely know what they are talking about. So, here I am, with no special recommendation, and definitely not a word about this one. Weird name it has, censor board has already played its 'rightful' role in sensationalizing it and I hate cheap publicity! 'Love, S** aur Dhoka' - LSD!! What could somebody expect from such a title: a cheap mix of bedroom scenes, some utter nonsense exposing songs, and thats it! Its well past 2:00 in the morning, 24 Hr Lipton service is no more in operation, Youth-cafe would definitely be closed at his Hr and there is only a faintest, if any, chance that Library-Nescafe outlet would not be closed. No-one to talk, no-where to go and now, not even a God-damn coffee! Hell with such a life!! I decide, with no choice anyways, to give LSD a try: re-assuring myself - Dibankar 's got some unique talent, an out-of-line director quite unlike other Bollywood bigwigs. A silent hostel room, [of] a desolate early morning campus, [with] a forsaken PG (post-grad) soul in it, and a Bollywood flick with a strange name and bad publicity; you hardly expect anything exciting. Few clicks, some common shortcuts, 2 crushed pillows and an ominously lit laptop screen in a dark room looms large over everything else. Its 3:00 now.

Scene 3: The credits start to roll but I've neither energy, nor willingness, left in me to close the window. Even when the video self-closes itself, I don't seem to get over it. Almost 5:00 it is, I can hear birds chirping, there is no way I'll be able to sleep, even if I try my best. Set for a long circuitous morning walk, with no health benefits in mind, I can see avid joggers, rare breed of Prof's whose mere presence makes you feel small; but today I don't seem to feel anything and end up being indulged in hypothetical conversations, playing part of a movie not shot. Back at room, I start the movie all over again, this time I know all dubious shades of characters even before they reveal themselves; I knew all twists and turns; but still to my surprise every dialog has a different meaning this time. What I felt was just a stupid, unnecessary scene in the first viewing seems to make perfect sense now. This even allows me to beat my regular routine of missing breakfast. Mind is still buzzing with random thoughts ;but full stomach and more than 24 Hrs (even more) of emotional drainage start to take the toll on not-so-healthy body. Eyes close and breathing gets heavier, and I loose sense of time and place. I don't know what time it is.

Scene 4: I must be dreaming, or may be half -awake, when seldom-bolted door of room creaks a little. A dim face peeps slowly and says something, I don't seem to make out exactly but may be it said - "lunch?". I try to open my lips but nothing comes out but just a hiss. No more words, face disappears slowly and door creaks a little again. Dream it must be. Time - Does any such thing even exist?!.

Scene 5: Head feels heavy and body warm, I grope around and pick up my cellphone; with half-closed eyes I try to look at bright screen. Damn! it's past 4:00 in the PM. Mind is blank now, body resists every movement I try to make, I can feel last night's (night?) hangover and a cup of HMT (hand-made-tea) will definitely do some good. Another circuitous walk, a small one by Hostel area and I realize something has changed. Rather more-than-something has changed for sure, something energetic, something fresh. I don't feel bogged up by 'suicidal tendencies'. No more brooding, no more solitude, not for now at least. I send a friendly [not-my-type] sms to friends, they must get to know I'm alive, I'm 'OK'! Does anybody care though, may be some of them do, I know they do. Laptop gets its deserving place [lap] and fingers theirs [typing]. I'm writing - it definitely must be a good time, a very good time it is!!

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Statutory Warning: LSD is no nonsense movie. I won't say you all will like it the way I did. One thing I can guarantee though, you may not have seen such a bold treatment of such taboo, yet real subject(s), and definitely not in such a wonderful and creative manner, uncharacteristic to Bollywood trend. Some words of warning are in place at this time: It's an utterly disturbing movie and a definite no-no for faint-hearted; for it shows the truth, and truth is bitter, truth is ugly. As the title may incorrectly suggest (as I had my apprehensions before) , there is no cheap exposing in the movie. One scene that has been so poorly hyped about doesn't last even for few seconds and it's blurred. I don't understand why, there is nothing in that scene which we don't have access to in our 'popular, creative' prime time; and I'm not even talking about ever-present-on-TV video albums or 'super-star' E. H. movies. This scene is defining moment of a nerve cracking story and you when it happens you feel like crying rather than feeling ashamed of it. I connected straightway to the movie and its characters because I happened to have discussion with a good friend regarding one of the key themes. You, too, are bound to connect to yourself at more than one place(s), for, there is not even a single frame where you would say- this is unreal or dramatic.

If you are wondering: everything is so nice then what is so 'taboo' about the movie: it is the theme, the ugly truth! More importantly the dialogs: totally uninhibited!!. No way acceptable in our 'civilized', 'mannered', 'sophisticated' society. Still, If you have been anywhere in north India ( and I don't have much experience of other parts, so can't say), I'm sure you've come across every such [ugly] sentence often, for sure more than once. Such are our ethics! Pathetic!! What Dibankar has done is, he has just put them on celluloid. Crux is - It's no 'happy-go-lucky', 'all-is-well' movie to please your senses. Its a disturbing art-work, a creative piece that shakes you beyond imagination. I'm no expert on cine-art, but those who are, will appreciate it even more. Not at all a 'family movie', you may not want your parents/elders' company when watching this (facing the real, ugly face of our society) and you MUST NOT allow your children to watch this. I'm telling you, there innocent, uncorrupted minds and soul are not prepared for it (Even though there are no nude scenes!). If you are lucky to have a mature partner though, go ahead and spend some quality time together. You'll have something really creative and of substance to watch, a very rare phenomenon in our film industry.

Since you may not find LSD running on any multiplex (who would dare to show such bitter reality, and for how long), you can get it from moserbaer. While you enjoy this rare art-work, I urgently need to get back to my books: I need them more than they need me. See you later! Love!!

I Do!

A lot has been said before. And it's been said too many times in the past to be enumerated. But today when I happened to get into this perpetual discussion with a close friend, it was my first since this wonderful embarkation to Global Blog voyage; so, here it is - at your disposal, for your judgment!

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My culture, my ethics, my traditions, holy moral-values, unholy sins, my dog better than yours, blah blah blah: Such an enormous list of do's and don'ts, blacks & whites, good-bad-evil; it puzzles me all the time and I feel like a dyslexic kid, unable to understand the complexities of real world! Amongst this mandatory list though, one subject [debate] that touches upon each and every of unwise, corrupted, immature young and wise, cultured, mature sage - is of arranged-vs-love marriage. Let me start with my personal, and not so pleasant, experience.

Each of my recent visits back home, last one barely two days ago, has one phenomenon in common. Someone from the neighborhood, someone worldly smart, someone gravely concerned about my and my family's future, miraculously happens to time his visit with mine, and preaches the noble wisdom - "Such and such young, bright fellow got married recently. Other equally bright fellow is going to tie the holy knot very soon. Look at you, you are on wrong side of 20's, your hair are not as coarse as they used to be. [A strategic pause] There is this girl, a pretty, educated girl from an honorable [wealthy] family; so what do you say?!." What the hell I'm expected to say!. It sounds less of a question and more of a threat. I decide "no reply is best reply". Silence speaks loud; pious, all knowing well-wisher looses his patience and moves on to enlighten some lesser corrrupted soul. Stage one cleared! Later Pitajee would engage in serious late night discussions about politics, education, BBC news, sports.... and then .. "you are mature enough now. If you have 'someone' or you find 'someone', don't shy, let me know." My curious eyes meet those deep, affectionate eyes and Pitajee would clarify - "Traditions are meant for our benefit, society's prosperity and well being; we should regard their meritorious place". Which translates to - I should choose/like/find a girl from my religion, then make sure that she is from my caste, and then further must ensure that our sub-castes (gotras) are not mixed-up. Grace my luck, our modern family doesn't care about wealth[dowry], and we are modern enough not to fall for superstitions and thus I'm relived of extra technical specification-cum-user requirements of kundli-nakhastra-graha match . Whoooof!

On to the same discussion, but among my equally or more educated, upward looking friends, I'm presented to rational and just arguments that illuminate my dark, west-corrupted heart and soul. Most of this all important knowledge comes from girls/females. [What is this thing about girls, I mean why they have to prove on every account that we, boys/men- poor aliens from Mars, are the inferior species. Be it board exams, social cause, emotional quotient - you name it; and now they are 'avatars', 'saviors' of tradition and culture.] Sorry for the emotional outburst, back to the topic: so, my 'culture aware' friends would invariably advocate arranged marriages and back it up with thumping arguments. for instance:

- "our family - our parents, have given us so much, they have made us what we are, they only think of our well being. They are not our enemies. You meet a girl(or a boy) for few weeks and you say you love her (him), what about 'their' love." So there are different quanta's of love and love-balance tilts in 'their' favor . Payback time.

-"our religion, region, cast is instrumental in deciding the right partner, ensures future compatibility". Now I understand the meaning of object oriented programming. Hail C++! Hail Java!! what will happen to a poor functional, structural, modular C coder like me?

-"see what happens to hurried, un-guided love marriages. Compare their success rate, durability index - the litmus test ." Statistics here!. And as the saying goes : stats don't lie.

Most wonderful of these -

-"what do you say about love marriages. Look at our elders: 'my mom and my dad', 'your mom and your dad', 'dads and moms' of 'moms and dads'- recursive definition with no termination! Don't you think they are in love, do you think they made a mistake in marrying each-other?" Impeccable argument this one , what would you say , you won't say that your a product of unloved unison or are you?

Another special, talented bunch of people, more acquainted with social and cultural fabric, challenges you openly, even bluntly.

-"look at ABC, he is an army officer; take the case of XYZ, he cleared IIT/IIM/IAS ( and how about others - DEFs, GHIs and so on.) They all married according to our tradition, they all understand our culture, who are you to ask for a change, a special status, who are you to to question them, you imbecile! Some pseudo intellect you are!! . You are no Brad Pitt that you'll get an Angelina Jolie" - Aaah! This one hurts! A perfect shot! Hits where it hurts the most. Ok, I quit, IAS and officer thing is OK, but why drag Brangelina in this personal vendetta. Reality Check, I'm no Brad Pitt, not even close, so I don't need - sorry, correction - I DON'T DESERVE anything remotely like Angelina .Period.

So, verdict is out- Down Down Love Marriages! Long Live Arranged Marriages!!

Another geeky, cutting-edge trend has erupted to haunt me lately. Wherever you click on social sites, you are bound to encounter these beautiful looking, all cheering, 'all is well' - pictures [pics], many of which remind me of Bollywood epic - "Hum Sath Sath Hain". All my friends, and friends of friends, fast changing their status' at an alarming rate; new albums created and updated every single day - My Marriage, My Honeymoon, My Trip to ----- (fill in the blanks); and there you see snaps that take you back to "Malgudi Days". Here, to all my married friends, and their married friends: I love you all, Yes I do and I mean it (no pun intended here!). You have every right to say that I, an un-wanted, un-eligible, un-married, un-happy, un-successful and many more un-'s, is being jealous. [By the way, there is a single and wonderful word in my native dialect Haraynavi that captures the essence of this long, boring English definition - ran*w**. If you didn't get it, lucky me; if you did, you've every right to make fun of me :-( ]. On an alternative second and [somewhat] serious note, I must observe and admit that the situation is not so grim. Every young, eligible bachelor or bachelorette, now-a-days is given a [fair?] chance to meet/know/select/identify/underline his/her soul-mate; of-course from a well maintained and drafted, parent approved list of bright, eligible, young candidates of opposite sex. Moreover, thanks to Ambani's and Tata's and their prestigious night-time calling rates, there is precariously designed courtship period where the future men & wives get to be 'the love birds' before taking the unavoidable, holy oath.

The holy oath:

"Do you, ____ take 'all our eternal (dogmatic) and (un)wise traditions' to be your (un)lawful companions"

- "I Do!"

"Will you love (dread), respect and honor (impose on other idiots like you) them through your [rotten,doomed] years together, till death do you apart (finally frees you!) "

- I Do!

- I Do! I Do!! I Do!!!

Jagjit Singh Jee in cheerful mood, describing plight of ran*w**'s. Source - www.youtube.com

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This narrative has roots in my(our) day-to-day experiences taken in a lighthearted manner. It's a serious theme though; and a rational, deservedly thoughtful follow-up is due. I've taken some liberty in phrasing my discussions/experiences with family and friends, hope you'll understand. Love you all! Sayonara!!

Misty Reflections

I think I know "him"! Sulky shared past, entangled tuned-out present and in-separable yet undecided future; still, are "we" friends, or at least are "we" on good enough terms to deal with this undivided destiny. For, how long can you ignore someone- "who" talks to you when you are alone, "who" cries with you when you lose, and jumps with you when you win. How do you ignore "someone", when you meet "him" every-time you look into the mirror! It's my "own-self", we are same for everyone else. As a matter of fact no-one knows that "he" is there, for - "he" is "me" and "I" am "him".

You also must have felt this many times . World that we live in, this 3-D Euclidian world or say Einstien's 4-D space-time model - is not we dream for, but is what "others" chose for us. So many things we want to change, so many events - we wish never have occurred or should have, so many mistakes we want to correct, so many people we want to apologize, so many places we want to be; but---- where is the courage, where is the time (the missing 4th dimension!) . Thats why "he" retorts, "he" tries and fails, for - "I" have my commitments to fulfill: project waits delivery, assignment waits submission, bike waits a repair, boss waits a response; and "I" can't let "them" wait, for- they decide my life, they define my life, wait, "they" ARE "my life"!! All this time, "he" tries to talk to "me", I don't listen, I can't listen. "he" fails and then - he quits.... "he" only speaks, when I'm silent; but silence is a costly affair - blaring horns, ringing phones, beeping reminders, blabbering news channels, talk-shows - ensure that silence becomes a rare commodity. And "he" fails, fails every day, every single damn day. "he" creates a world of "his own", a world that "I" dreamt of; in this world - "he" goes to places "I(we)" wanted to visit, "he" talks to people I (we) really love, but don't even remember, "he" does what I(we) wanted to do so badly. This time I fail!! and I fail big time.

"he" is right, I don't owe my life to this alien world of "mine"- this lifeless, loud, lackluster world, that only talks to me in meetings and meets me on deadlines. I have a better-beautiful world waiting for me, "his" world, "our" world. A world not synchronized with UTC timezone, but running at my-will, full of my dreams, my friends, my family. I make a decision: I'll talk to him, I'll listen to him, I want to apologize, I want to cry and I want to laugh. Where is he?? He is here, he is just opposite to me, looking into my eyes, smiling like a kid, like a saint, like an angel; but hey, it's not him, it's I - who is smiling - I'm looking into his eyes- I'm standing opposite to him - I'm standing opposite a mirror!!

This happened when I decided to appear for GATE.

Happened when I decided to join IIT.

This happens when I talk to my family, my friends.

Happens when I decide to read a book.

When I decide to watch a movie.

When I decide to write a blog! This blog!!

One thing is still the same though, no one sees "him", no one knows "he" is there, for "he" is "me", I'm "him", "we" are "we".

[poster for movie - Finding Neverland]

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I wanted to have this one as my first blog, but couldn't! I saw something, sorry "we" saw something and I reacted -"we" reacted; and "none of us" is repenting the decision. "We" started a journey and if you are reading this, you are already part of it. Thank you!

Hope to see you again!

..................."I" and "me".

PS:

There is so much in popular culture about "I-me-him" subject.

Here is my list, a abridged and 'to the point' list of recommendations for curious and interested audience:

- "Tell Me Your Dreams" - a novel by Sidney Sheldon.

- "Fight Club" - movie that has left so long lasting impression (good-or-bad you decide) on psyche of western world, may be the whole world!

- "Dasvidaniya"- Bollywood movie. My personal favorite amongst this list, as this is not about Multi Personality Disorder(MPD), but about your real priorities, your dreams, your friends, your family.

crème de la crème

We see this in movies, we read it in novels and yes, all of us feel it so many times. We play a single reel - time and again in our heads: extra's change but lead never changes; never changes the theme. We repeat the same dialogs so many times, we re-do the same sequence ever and ever, and we get assured - nothing can go wrong now. When time comes - I'll do it, I'll do it to hilt, to perfection; this would be my masterpiece!. And then, comes the dooms day, and nothing happens the way it was supposed to be. All characters,all dialogs, all close-ups turn out to be out of place. Yet, the lead is still the same, plot is still the same - just an anti-climax!!

I had thought so many times how I'll write my first article; it would be a beautiful, poetic article, thoughtful, emotional , full of life, love, with my heart into it, - no my soul into it; and I kept looking for it. There were times when I was so close to a wonderful idea, but then - "no it is still not that beautiful, not that enchanting, I'll do better, I can do better, it will happen, it will happen soon" - it never did! And I've already completed my first blog : emotions yes - but where is poetry; full of weird logic and arguments - but where is soul; lot of anger, anguish - but where is love, where is life?!

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Not really sure how did I land up to to that discussion. But I did. Common debate among Indian educated elite : "IITians vs Others" and then among IITians - "'fatkas' the super-humans!"

When I read the article and comments of "super intelligent" IITians, I couldn't hold on and all this just came out. Have a taste your-self.

Prologue: JEE no doubt is the highly competitive and a really-really tough entrance exam. Those who clear it definitely can solve +2 Physics, Maths and Chemistry numericals much faster than others. Point is, are all these guys (and some girls!) inherently genius, born brilliants - truth is, yes few of them are; but many of them are not. Lets admit though- all, yes---- ALL, of them have worked really hard in pre-JEE period. What we are forgetting is: they (well almost all of them) had access to resources and guidance which others don't - best schools in vicinity, every book needed to be consulted, as many tuition classes as one can attend in 24 hrs, and finally, special and very-very expensive coaching classes. Armed with this privileged arsenal, these guys, who definitely are good at studies, cracked JEE and now are regarded as 'crème de la crème'. This is not the complete truth though ,because this would mean that "brilliants can only be born to wealthy parents; and can only come from English-medium schools".

Flashback: Time for a history lesson - as usual a long one. First thing first, let me set my identity clear; I'm doing M Tech from IITD ). I did well at school - of-course a Hindi medium school from rural India with no tuitions at all. Then got into a government institution for +1,+2 non-medical science, with a dream to be a scientist! Would you believe that I didn't even know that there existed 'things' like IITs - (heavens on earth that turn mortals to GODs and you've to cross the holy road of JEE to be the revered one); had a real hard time switching to English medium, all this while trying to spend as little money as I could on any tuition(s); flourished in Physics, but there was hardly anyone to answer my endless question; was really surprised that there were people (of genius breed, of-course) who understood not even an iota of Calculus, Probability (and like), but could do almost any sum from any book (and entrance exams). I got estranged by Maths- which used to be my favorite subject earlier, and realized there is no way I would become a scientist. Applied for two entrance exams : CEET -Common Engg Entrance Test and DCE Delhi, under General category (doomed elite!) . Equipped with a single and affordable tuition and no special expensive coaching, I cleared both of them: just short of being good enough to fetch Comp Sc at DCE and RECs (today's NITs) . Moreover, I didn't want anything else - IT boom - remember?, so settled for a private institute under a "Free seat", which existed in those days.

BE was a terrible experience, good infrastructure and labs but unfortunately no one to answer my questions here as well. So, bunked ALL the classes (attendance short - all 8 semesters!) still managed to earn respect of fellow students and also managed on-campus recruitment in a small company (only one that appeared for the purpose). Five years, 3 companies, a Team Lead designation, thousands of lines of C code (and a healthy bank balance) later, I realized that all this is phony. Every time someone praised my abilities I felt more and more remorseful, for - "I knew that I didn't know" what a graduate, a BE - CS should know. So, applied for GATE and this time I had money (a lot of it for my purpose). Attended week-end coaching classes, took 15 days off before GATE and with some luck with interviews, got admission invitation from IITD. Happily quit a 7+ l.p.a. job (with earlier offers much above that) and with it quit an "easy" life-style, to land up at my dreamland. In heaven and not dead!.

Hazy Days - Reality Bites: Very first lecture and I realized what I had been missing before. Profs were superb (from some other world may be), every single sentence was worth months of study before. More I heard them, much more I wanted to hear. Each Prof is master of not just of his subject but everything that surrounds it. Most assignments were more challenging than my professional duties of five years. Students were enthusiastic and knowledgeable (most of class/course-mates being 'matkas' and a few well groomed B Techs - 'fatkas', with almost 4 years of IIT superiority behind them.). Almost every single student was a deserving candidate. Though, some of them (1 or 2, never more than 5) in each course were exceptionally superb and these are equally represented by UG anb PG students. Lets not forget that all (well, almost) PG students have been to "under-privileged, 2nd class" institutions (like me) all their life so far, with no one to answer their queries while the UGs, for almost 4 years now, have been in one of the most reputed institute (not just in India and Asia but of whole world!) .

I'm not saying that UGs got into IITs by luck, no one does, they have cleared the most competitive exam in world. They have devoted their priceless adolescent years to PCM books, have put in so much time in solving myriad problems to be where they are. But, does it mean, they have got the license to insult every else of homo-sapiens on earth. There are equally or some even more talented people who couldn't be 'proud fatkas'. Also, pride should not reflect as arrogance but as soberness. Most of my PG friends at IIT who appeared for JEE (not cowards like me - who gave up even without a fight) - CRACKED it. They could have been admitted to "less popular" IITs in non-CS/EE branches, but they decided not to "compromise". Add to this the kind of resource/facilities they had at there disposal. For many no extra coaching, almost no tuitions, "normal" schools and foreign to English (which makes one foreign in our country now a days!). Now, that they are here and whenever have a chance to compete with distinguished - made out - fatkas, you don't see a difference!

Afterthoughts: When I joined IIT, my aim was to learn what I think I had missed: most basic knowledge to call one a science/engg graduate . IITs no doubt attract and produce the best of them, so IITians are supposed to have that much basic knowledge. And lo and behold! This is not the case!!. Even here, even at IITs, most (even 'fatkas', and others) don't know -what exactly is Calculus about, what exactly is a Matrix and where does it come from, what is there in Boolean Algebra which makes us solve all problems with computers. (By the way - it was a 'PG' - Claude Shanon - who proved and proposed this in his MS thesis). Of-course all of them (UG + PG) know and use all calculus formulae, Matrix and probability equations, Boolean algebra tricks etc etc. Even more dreadful fact is, they are not even interested in exploring these questions. So, I again felt cheated, much less though, this time at IIT (the heaven!). So I got back to my original love - basic sciences. Wiki, old history books, discussions etc etc.

When people say, that 'PG' only 'mug-up' lectures, well lets put it this way. Yes, I don't participate in Dramas., but I read so much of literature, current-affairs, basic sciences, fiction and then we discuss all these with lot of enthusiasm. I know I'm not a born genius - like all 'fatkas', but an average student with lot of zeal for studies, knowledge. Despite all this I'm still doing well at IIT by "their" standards and rules (strange, here also it means marks - though its called - CGPA/SGPA).

Conclusion (confusions?):

- UGs are worthy students who have been suitably awarded for their hard-work and in some cases genuine talent.

- There are many many more equally worthy of this title "fatka", who are left out because they are under-prepared,unequipped for a brutal,fierce fight - JEE. (PS: I doubt if I belong to this category).

- PGs are those who really want to learn ( well, most I know are). They are not here merely to have a certificate of "brilliance". Most from not-so privileged backgrounds.

- At IITs we've best faculty (even by international standards), but still there is little facination for original thought and even less love for most basic science. All this due to our over-romanticism for Dollars (yes, Rs is for poor and illiterate non-IITians, we deserve Dollars!).

There is so much I can write about this endless debate, but this must already have bored you ,the reader, if you dared to do so - I appreciate your company (and patience, salute you!). Take a break and so shall I (may be more than a break I need a rehabilitation center!)

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This is not what I have been waiting for, longing for! Not poetic, not beautiful. It's a beginning though, beginning of a long - long journey and I'll pick best flowers to adorn it. See you later!